Dear Web log readers,
Because I'm about 2.5 weeks from graduation (holy shit!), I've sort of regressed to this state that I was in freshman year: having the whole quarter-life crisis thing. I wonder who am I really? What am I meant to do? What AM I DOING? Where am I going? Etc., etc., etc.
I've never had the attention span to keep a diary before. I'm sure that it's the interactivity of the online world that has my interest. Who knows who could be reading this? Probably no one outside a core group of friends, but still the possibility is thrilling. The last time I had attempted to keep a journal, my only entry was from 10-or-12 year-old me wondering why my parents wouldn't just get divorced already.
Anyhow, today at the buzz, I had an epiphany. Even though I consider myself to be a somewhat self-assured, independent woman, I'm not the the fighter I imagine myself to be. What I mean is, I tried to cultivate this image that I really don't care what other people think of me, and for some periods of time every few years, I actually fool myself into thinking this way. But I really do want acceptance. I don't need constant validation or anything, but sometimes I really need to be inside, not outside the group.
My major frustrates me at times. I didn't work for the buzz until this year, and there were definitely times in the last three years I felt alienated and shut out because everyone in my class knew everybody else from work. (OK, there probably were a lot of others like me but, you'd never realize that when you're feeling alone.) Journalists can be very cliquey, especially the ones who work for publications. Well ... alright the whole world is cliquey, that middle school/high school thing never really goes away. But still, I expect to be treated a certain way. College relationships are so conditional; I figured that once I shared a week of bonding with the kids at work in NYC (who I might add, I've had classes with more than half of them with), that we would be able to talk to each other on the same level. But alas, apparently we were only trip friends, not work friends.
This neediness in my personality bothers me. I make fun of other people for it. Truth is, I need people around to talk to, bounce ideas off of, reassure me that I'm not completely insane. It used to be that my mother could be that person but as much as I love her, I've come to see the limitations in my relationship with her (ah yes, look forward to that exceedingly long posting about socialization). I wonder will I stay friends with my college buddies? Will they get new friends when they go off to grad school, law school, medical school, etc., and forget about me? Will I go insane with only my family for company at home, but further my issues by acting out the same conversations with them over and over?
I don't know. What I know is, I was a happy kid when I lived in a working-class apartment building. I ran wild with the rainbow of neighborhood children (mostly shades of brown, but everyone was on the same level). We were friends no matter what, regardless of our different backgrounds. As our parents got a little bit more money, each family moved away. I was one of the last to go. My parents needed to upgrade from our 2-bedroom apartment to our 3-bedroom house once my brother was born. We saw all these kids chilling in the neighborhood when we were looking at the house; my parents thought I would make friends easily. Somehow, we unknowingly moved into a terribly racist neighborhood. I like that my parents moved to Piper Ct., off of Pleasant Valley and Carefree Dr.; such happy suburban-esque sounding names to mask what I felt like growing up. When I showed up, not only was I the new kid, I was the only brown kid. Thankfully, the scene has changed with a more diverse crowd moving in in the last few years, but from ages 7-14, I was the butt of everybody's jokes.
I don't want to blend in with the crowd, but sometimes, I just want recognition. I hate to be that 7 year-old-girl who the other kids don't want to play with.
Sorry for the heavy, sad rant.
To counteract, things that made me happy today: the sun, the warmth, magnolias and cherry blossoms, a proposed dinner for the final Green Observer meeting, watching an engaging documentary on Red Power in my Native American History class (Alcatraz is Not an Island), receiving my allergy meds in the mail
Showing posts with label rant. Show all posts
Showing posts with label rant. Show all posts
Monday, April 21, 2008
Saturday, April 12, 2008
What I'm best at
Since I didn't post yesterday, I'm just going to have to make up for it today.
The following posting is extracted from my Fashion and Politics class Web site. I know, fashion and politics don't seem like subjects that go together, but I'm learning more and more how fashion is influenced by politics. I wrote this rant about the Beauty School of Kabul, a center that was opened by the Beauty Without Border foundation in the aftermath of 9/11. Basically, stylists from the U.S. would go to Afghanistan with a translator who had escaped the country years back and she would train the women there how to practice beauty application. Interestingly enough, women had been cutting, styling and dying hair and giving makeovers under the Taliban regime to make money and had been earning more money than their husbands. Some women worked in Pakistan for a while and I'm thinking there was a bootleg beauty product trade from Pakistan to Afghanistan. If you find what I'm talking about interesting, you can check out the documentary "The Beauty School of Kabul."
In the U.S., we're always bombarded with discourse about going in and aiding others who are less fortunate than us. I mean, just think of "Idol Gives Back" and the many educating-women-in Africa, Mid East, etc.-centered programs that are always on 20/20 and all the other news magazine shows. Don't get me wrong, I'm all about helping other people; I think as humans we should want to all help each other. However, I've noticed that often this act of kindness is accompanied by an arrogant attitude. And just as often, our kindness is somewhat of a justification, an act of trying to make ourselves feel better, for a problem we created. Like how, as (my professor) Mimi mentioned, we tried to turn the bombing of Afghanistan and Iraq into positive events because we were saving the people of those countries from themselves.
The idea that our society is so equalized that we need to go into other countries and bring them to realize their potential to be like us is preposterous. With the Beauty without Borders mission, the people behind the charity claimed to go into Kabul with the vision of getting women to participate in the economy. On the one hand, the lack of rights for women and the need for empowerment was used as a justification for, as I said earlier, "the War on Terrorism." Additionally, while the people behind the project had good intentions, though slightly misguided at times, their idea of aid basically turned into another case of cultural imperialism. In the film ("Beauty School of Kabul"), we assume that women need to be empowered through the application of proper makeup because the feeling of beauty is transforming. Yet, when the Beauty School of Kabul workers find that the women have Bollywood standards of beauty and have actually been doing their hair and makeup in secret for years under the Taliban (modeled on their favorite South Asian actresses), they are told to conform to Western beauty ideals. This is especially noticeable with the first aid hairdresser, Terri, the one who says she is doing "selfless work" and judges the women as being stuck in time for their perming methods.
I find it interesting that we find our society free of repressions. While women here have a different standard of individual freedom, the people funding the School are the editor of "Vogue," the head of MAC cosmetics, Frederic Fekkai, etc. - all the same people who define what women can and cannot be and what defines beauty in the U.S. So in addition to our arrogance in treaty women in "developing nations" as charity cases, we're also trying to train women to abide by our narrow standards.
The following posting is extracted from my Fashion and Politics class Web site. I know, fashion and politics don't seem like subjects that go together, but I'm learning more and more how fashion is influenced by politics. I wrote this rant about the Beauty School of Kabul, a center that was opened by the Beauty Without Border foundation in the aftermath of 9/11. Basically, stylists from the U.S. would go to Afghanistan with a translator who had escaped the country years back and she would train the women there how to practice beauty application. Interestingly enough, women had been cutting, styling and dying hair and giving makeovers under the Taliban regime to make money and had been earning more money than their husbands. Some women worked in Pakistan for a while and I'm thinking there was a bootleg beauty product trade from Pakistan to Afghanistan. If you find what I'm talking about interesting, you can check out the documentary "The Beauty School of Kabul."
In the U.S., we're always bombarded with discourse about going in and aiding others who are less fortunate than us. I mean, just think of "Idol Gives Back" and the many educating-women-in Africa, Mid East, etc.-centered programs that are always on 20/20 and all the other news magazine shows. Don't get me wrong, I'm all about helping other people; I think as humans we should want to all help each other. However, I've noticed that often this act of kindness is accompanied by an arrogant attitude. And just as often, our kindness is somewhat of a justification, an act of trying to make ourselves feel better, for a problem we created. Like how, as (my professor) Mimi mentioned, we tried to turn the bombing of Afghanistan and Iraq into positive events because we were saving the people of those countries from themselves.
The idea that our society is so equalized that we need to go into other countries and bring them to realize their potential to be like us is preposterous. With the Beauty without Borders mission, the people behind the charity claimed to go into Kabul with the vision of getting women to participate in the economy. On the one hand, the lack of rights for women and the need for empowerment was used as a justification for, as I said earlier, "the War on Terrorism." Additionally, while the people behind the project had good intentions, though slightly misguided at times, their idea of aid basically turned into another case of cultural imperialism. In the film ("Beauty School of Kabul"), we assume that women need to be empowered through the application of proper makeup because the feeling of beauty is transforming. Yet, when the Beauty School of Kabul workers find that the women have Bollywood standards of beauty and have actually been doing their hair and makeup in secret for years under the Taliban (modeled on their favorite South Asian actresses), they are told to conform to Western beauty ideals. This is especially noticeable with the first aid hairdresser, Terri, the one who says she is doing "selfless work" and judges the women as being stuck in time for their perming methods.
I find it interesting that we find our society free of repressions. While women here have a different standard of individual freedom, the people funding the School are the editor of "Vogue," the head of MAC cosmetics, Frederic Fekkai, etc. - all the same people who define what women can and cannot be and what defines beauty in the U.S. So in addition to our arrogance in treaty women in "developing nations" as charity cases, we're also trying to train women to abide by our narrow standards.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
It's not about who you know, it's who your parents are
As a graduating college student, I have three categories of friends at this time. First, there are those who want to postpone "real life," so they're going to graduate school, even though many professors (at least in my field) have told us it was not a good idea (especially at the same school, but hey even more security blanket for cover, right?). Next, there are those graduating friends (I'd say about 60% of those I know). Absolutely none of these people know what they are doing after they graduate. They might know what they want to do in the long run, but as for their current job prospects, they have not gotten any job offers. In fact, none of my roommates have jobs yet, which makes me feel better about my joblessness.
Onto the third category. Students who have their lives planned out. All my life, I've been told, "It's not about what you know, but who you know." and "Network, network, network." So, I think you will see why it's discouraging for me, some one who does try to be friendly with everyone and is conscious of how my actions will reflect on my future hiring, when I see people getting jobs through what they call networking, and what I like to call relying on your family members. Perhaps it is because my parents have no influential friends, and no one in my immediate or distant family works in media that am I bitter about this aspect. However, the more I hear "well my dad works here so," ... or "my aunt set this up for me" ... or "I don't have to worry too much, my so-and-so said that newspaper will save a spot for me," I get annoyed. I work hard to network and not to say that others don't, but I have a major chip on my shoulder when it comes to people who are just handed opportunities, when despite my Tribune internship, I must keep digging for jobs to apply to.
Onto the third category. Students who have their lives planned out. All my life, I've been told, "It's not about what you know, but who you know." and "Network, network, network." So, I think you will see why it's discouraging for me, some one who does try to be friendly with everyone and is conscious of how my actions will reflect on my future hiring, when I see people getting jobs through what they call networking, and what I like to call relying on your family members. Perhaps it is because my parents have no influential friends, and no one in my immediate or distant family works in media that am I bitter about this aspect. However, the more I hear "well my dad works here so," ... or "my aunt set this up for me" ... or "I don't have to worry too much, my so-and-so said that newspaper will save a spot for me," I get annoyed. I work hard to network and not to say that others don't, but I have a major chip on my shoulder when it comes to people who are just handed opportunities, when despite my Tribune internship, I must keep digging for jobs to apply to.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)