Weighty things

It's the second week of my two-week free guest pass to Bally Total Fitness, courtesy of my girl Sha'Donna. I think they give out those things with the idea that a friend might use it once or twice and then forget about it, so they won't be out anything. Well, other than the weekend, I have been at Ballys every day for my workout. They probably didn't know what they were getting into when they made my pass. I will continue to be there every day until it expires.

And then, I might crash. I can see now how easy it is to get body-obsessed, and then, develop a disorder. I used to mock my coworker because he "needs" to eat a well-balanced lunch everyday and take a run and he divulged to me that when he eats sweets, he feels like he has to run off the fat from say, a cookie. Me and my inner fat kid, I could not understand what that was like. I've said it before and I'll reiterate, I have absolutely no will power. I love chocolate. I love dessert. I most especially love fried things.

I gained weight since I left college. I don't know how much because I refuse to weigh myself. This is because I KNOW I will be obsessed with weighing myself a lot and then will go into a downward spiral if my weight doesn't meet my expectations. I've never had problems with food in the past, but I have an obsessive personality. If something bothers me, I dwell. And when I dwell, I like to eat.

This past month, I've tried to eat healthy. Let me tell you, (fresh) blueberries in your oatmeal are the best! Not only is it a nutritious breakfast, but combining all that fiber with anti-oxidants is just as good as drinking a cup of coffee (which I drink now sugar-free for the past two years). Tonight I even made an omelet with spinach and tomatoes instead of eating the carbo-loaded rice my mother had prepared for herself. Now that I'm working out, I feel disgusting when I eat poorly.

When I eat something I probably shouldn't, such as frozen custard, a large order of cheese fries, etc., I think well, this is OK only if I work out later. I know that's not healthy. I know that eating some fat is OK. And I know the things I listed could be worse. Despite everything I know, I think otherwise. Just another issue to add to the list.

On the upside, today I stayed home from work to do an interview for an assistantship via webcam. Even though that felt like a total FAIL, when it was over, these two girls knocked on my door. They were from a local community group collecting change for families of domestic abuse survivors. I don't know if they were just buttering me up or if they were surprised to see me dressed up in my one really well-made work blouse in the middle of the afternoon, but I got an unexpected compliment. One of the girls said in shock when I opened the door, "You're really beautiful." Too bad she wasn't a grown man. I might have swooned.