Love and Other Uncomfortable Emotions

Today, I had a crisis to deal with.

My little brother's prom date caught mono and I spent the evening offering him guidance. Now, I spent part of the last month gently urging my brother to gather the courage to ask a date to prom. The first girl he asked turned him down. The second girl (this chick with mono) was a friend, who already had a boyfriend... but she agreed.

Cut to two nights before prom and my brother receives a text message stating that it will be highly unlikely she will be able to accompany him to the prom. Of course he already has the ticket, tux and corsage ordered. As the older sister, my heart went out to him. I really just wanted to fix the situation. I suggested he ask out his co-worker, and my mom and I helped him build up the nerve to do this. Turns out she had something else to do that night.

Yikes. I feel like I struck out with my brother. Love, even high school-style like can be a scary thing. Dances are the height of awkward. Especially landmark dances like homecoming and prom. You feel like you have to go, because it's prom. It won't mark your life; it shouldn't be the highlight of your life, but hey, it's part of the archetypal high school experience.

All this drama took me back to my own prom. I had a twisted self-image in high school. Not that I don't still have a terrible self-image, but at the time, I was confused into thinking that even though I didn't have any guys demonstrating interest in me, somebody would ask me out. I waited what seemed to be an acceptable amount of time, and then so I wouldn't look desperate or pathetic, I asked out a platonic friend, a coworker of mine that nobody at my school knew.

I don't for one second regret my prom date. I do regret: Ignoring my date as much as I did since I was having so much fun with my friend + Getting my make-up done at the Clinique counter at the mall. Never again Clinique!

Jerry was a good friend and I'm glad I picked a date I could have fun with. And one who was there to cater to me on my night. However, I do on some level, wish that I had pushed myself romantically. Gone outside the safety zone, so to speak. Cut to six years later and I'm still trying to figure out how to deal with the uncomfortable. As a result, I would say that I've never been on a date date (with someone who wasn't just a friend) that I enjoyed.

Here's hoping I can be brave enough to explore my feelings and find myself on a real date with a guy I'm crushing on within the next six years!

Now I Know I'm an ABCD

(American-Born Confused Desi that is)



Of late, for some reason I've been thinking a lot about interracial dating. Not that I never think about it but, it's been a frequent topic of discussion.

First, my coworker Jon attempted to bait me into a conversation about interracial dating and parental approval. Now you guys know I'm one of those bleeding-heart liberals, who has somewhat of an anything goes attitude in terms of social behavior. I haven't got any problems with it. People who disapprove of interracial dating based purely on skin color irk me. However, I do understand the argument for preserving ethnic ties.

In this convo I was the defender. I was asked whether my father would approve of me dating someone of another background and whether that would influence my behavior. Well of course, my dad and I rarely talk so, we've never even broached that subject. And I really could care less about his opinions. My mom has said she's cool with it, never explicitly to me but more implicitly, as she has voiced her disgust at other people's intolerance. Plus, she always like to point out that there are Latino and White people in her extended family. I don't know if she'd take the same laissez-faire attitude with her own daughter or son.

Honestly, I'm not sure who I see myself ending up with. I don't have much an initial attraction to Indian men. I want to preserve my culture. But most Konkani guys are somehow related to me and that's just not cool. Even that distant relationship - 10th cousin - doesn't appeal to me. I said this to my mom and brother yesterday and they were offended. Actually, they seemed to be more appalled when I told them how I don't really like Indian men. But, it's the truth. It's very rarely that I spot an Indian dude that I think is fine. Maybe 1 out of 10. I mean, I went to a school with a huge population of Indian guys and I don't want to sound judgemental but I'm turned off by the stereotypical things - gold chains, unibrows, extreme hairiness ( a genetic problem I too have), oily hair, the mama's boy spoiled attitude (which seems to be birthright with Indian guys, including those in my family). And I'm certainly not saying that all Indian guys look like this by any means... it's just well, initial attraction. Go ahead, call me shallow.

I'm not saying I find them all to be ugly, visually and personality wise. Quite frankly, we're one of the most populous groups of people out there. Surely there's a couple million guys I'd like to end up with. I would really like to have a brown baby. I know that sounds ridiculous and also potentially racist. But I want to keep the Indian looks alive. I want that child to feel a connection to the Indian subcontinent. Most of my relatives who are married to non-Indian have children who do not appear to be Indian in the least. And that's fine. But I want to pass down my ethnic features. Dark wavy hurr, etc. More Norah Jones, less Ben Kingsley. And I want my kid to have an ethnic identity. More than just symbolically donning Indian duds and eating tandoori chicken, I want them to get my culture. Or just have an awareness, really.

Problem is, all the guys I find myself attracted to usually have a girlfriend. And she's usually White. For instance, this weekend, saw the cutest guy at Wal-Mart. Lo and behold, a seconds later, his girlfriend rounds the corner and gives me that look.

As I said before, I 'm totally cool with interracial couples. But I barely ever see an Indian girl on a White guys arm. It's usually the other way around, the conquest of the White woman. Even in terms of marriages, Indian men in my family married outside their ethnicity but the other way around didn't really pan out. I can think of woman who married a White American, got divorced, and raised kids who seem to be totally oblivious to their roots, save for the fact that their mother is from another country.

What is it with me and these specific Indian guys? I have to wonder what this means about me. Do I just have a thing for unavailable guys? White-washed Indian boys? Why am I so judgemental against my own people? Have I totally absorbed and ingrained the popular notion that Asian men are undesirable?

Romantically Handicapped

I'm getting to that age where my lack of romantic situation is just sort of pathetic. I never noticed/cared before, but now that I'm unemployed and chilling with my family 90% of the time, the fact that I should be out on a date on a Friday night instead of watching some tired DVD with my family is acutely highlighted.

Apparently, when my mother was India, her older cousin propositioned me. There is some "nice boy" of 30 years living in North Carolina who I should look into. Thankfully, my mother is extremely liberal and had the sense to tell her cousin that I could care less. I mean, I'm only 22 and have zero relationships under my belt; there's no way I'd ever consider marriage at this point in my life.

This awkwardness got me thinking about it though. Who knows when I will enter into a functional relationship; perhaps the next time someone proposes something to me I'll be in 40s. Sad thought, but given that that part of my life has progressed at such a snail's pace, who knows. All I know is that it's not going to happen like the movies. I will not be approached in the bookstore, at the library, at a cafe, at the gym, etc. I will only be degraded by desperate men in the bars. So what are my options? Probably to move away and get a new group of friends, one that includes some prospective men. Or to join some sort of site/group. Or to be set up. Which could be nice, although I wonder that my girlfriends have available guy friends like that.

Anyhow, that's about the furthest any arrangement will take place in my love life. Like I said, thank god for a sensible mother who scoffs at aunties when they speak of arranged marriage. I can see how if I was India that would be an option, given that many women have no male interaction outside their family. But for somebody who grew here with plenty of mingling but never knew how to interact properly, that just doesn't make sense.