Lately, I've been having to sell myself a lot.
It's strange. I know I'm not the best person ever. (And how does one judge that anyway?) But still, I hate that I need to validate everything about myself. It's all a part of the process of course. But having to justify everything can kind of psyche you out. Make you think you're not as smart/qualified/talented, etc as you once thought.
Well, I need to get over it. I'm smart enough, good enough, and gosh dang it, I like me. :)
OK, so I'm unemployed. This is uncharted territory. I'm used to at least landing interest from retail places. And I'm not above a just-for-now job. I shouldn't have to completely lower my standards. I've decided to own who I am. To not be jealous of people who nab jobs. (I love my friends, but jealousy is a human flaw, so there I said it, I am proud and excited of other people but I do tend to think Why not me?).
Perhaps I'm supposed to be learning a lesson right now. Or perhaps that awesome job is just over the horizon. And I should just be patient. And the fact that I don't have a part-time in-between job just leaves me free to take off on a whim to interview for that job.
It's not self-delusion and fantasizing. It's dealing with the present.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Moving on
It's funny that I've been so hesitant lately to just move the fuck away and start a life. I've always wanted to move out of Rockford and live in a state other than Illinois. So why is it that lately I've been concerned about not knowing anyone? About missing people? If my bumming summer has taught me anything, it should be that there is NOTHING left for me here.
As I waste the days watching TV, my Fridays and Saturdays wishing I could be out and about like I used to on the college campus, I'm realizing more and more that there are less things tying me to Rockford. Of course, I'll miss my friends. But I basically already miss them because it's very rare that I spend time with them. Most of my hometown friends have established their lives here and usually have to work or prefer to spend time with a significant other. Anyone else who would be in the same situation as myself seems to have at least migrated to Chicago.
As for family, I will probably always see them. My parents are getting older, but really I've been at home way too long. Now, we're all just stepping on each other's toes and getting on each other's nerves.
And oh ya, I haven't got a job lined up here either. It appears that I am over-qualified for the jobs I've applied to in Rockford and under-qualified for everything else. Which is great. And basically, a typical indicator of my life.
So yes, I'm hoping one of the city jobs I applied to likes me. Even though it is tremendously scary to move to a large city and know no one (when you are a desperate-for-attention type of person like myself), the possibility of meeting new and similar people is exciting. Dream situation - I move to the city, share an apartment in a hip/starving idealist neighborhood with a gay guy (so I can be his hag) and a like-minded girl, I work with awesome people, I meet some intelligent men who appreciate my intelligence and Midwestern non-jadedness. The beginning, not the end.
As I waste the days watching TV, my Fridays and Saturdays wishing I could be out and about like I used to on the college campus, I'm realizing more and more that there are less things tying me to Rockford. Of course, I'll miss my friends. But I basically already miss them because it's very rare that I spend time with them. Most of my hometown friends have established their lives here and usually have to work or prefer to spend time with a significant other. Anyone else who would be in the same situation as myself seems to have at least migrated to Chicago.
As for family, I will probably always see them. My parents are getting older, but really I've been at home way too long. Now, we're all just stepping on each other's toes and getting on each other's nerves.
And oh ya, I haven't got a job lined up here either. It appears that I am over-qualified for the jobs I've applied to in Rockford and under-qualified for everything else. Which is great. And basically, a typical indicator of my life.
So yes, I'm hoping one of the city jobs I applied to likes me. Even though it is tremendously scary to move to a large city and know no one (when you are a desperate-for-attention type of person like myself), the possibility of meeting new and similar people is exciting. Dream situation - I move to the city, share an apartment in a hip/starving idealist neighborhood with a gay guy (so I can be his hag) and a like-minded girl, I work with awesome people, I meet some intelligent men who appreciate my intelligence and Midwestern non-jadedness. The beginning, not the end.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Sickening
So much going on with race relations of late that needs to be expanded upon, perhaps in Bitch, please ... if I ever get my side gigs in order.
I read some version of this A.P. story in the Register Star over the weekend as was just appalled. http://ap.google.com/article/ALeqM5hpFk2KwM_6m7-Qp7IHUdACwgIrcAD92E99N80
The KKK hopes Obama gets elected so the whites in this country can have an uprising? Lift the yokes of their oppression? I'm sorry, what oppression are they speaking of? In a way, the article is kind of funny because it allows the KKK to implicate themselves frankly as morons. Not only are they ignorant, but they're also completely deluded. But at the same time, it's tremendously scary.
People have been saying for the longest time that if Obama's elected, they think he'll be assassinated. I honestly never thought about it. But I can see it happening. As much as it disgusts the country in general and we like to pretend they're no longer around, clearly the KKK persists. Racism is definitely not just a part of history like some people love to claim.
This comes at the same time that the Robert Downey Junior blackface film is released. I don't have much to say about it, cuz there're so many other places you can find a critique. I just don't see how it's going to be so ironic about it that the context will totally be forgotten. Spike Lee made a biting blackface film a few years ago. It's called Bamboozled. I'd recommend renting it this weekend instead of attending a screening of Tropic Thunder.
And the whole Beyonce thing. She's obviously not the darkest skinned woman to start out with. But in those ads, she looks unnaturally albino. I don't know what happened with the lighting, retouching, etc. but it's a shame because Beyonce was one of the few black women to break through and be appreciated for her color. As for Essence making her look "blacker," I don't think that's true. She looks better in that photo, less sickly and more natural.
I read some version of this A.P. story in the Register Star over the weekend as was just appalled. http://ap.google.com/article/ALeqM5hpFk2KwM_6m7-Qp7IHUdACwgIrcAD92E99N80
The KKK hopes Obama gets elected so the whites in this country can have an uprising? Lift the yokes of their oppression? I'm sorry, what oppression are they speaking of? In a way, the article is kind of funny because it allows the KKK to implicate themselves frankly as morons. Not only are they ignorant, but they're also completely deluded. But at the same time, it's tremendously scary.
People have been saying for the longest time that if Obama's elected, they think he'll be assassinated. I honestly never thought about it. But I can see it happening. As much as it disgusts the country in general and we like to pretend they're no longer around, clearly the KKK persists. Racism is definitely not just a part of history like some people love to claim.
This comes at the same time that the Robert Downey Junior blackface film is released. I don't have much to say about it, cuz there're so many other places you can find a critique. I just don't see how it's going to be so ironic about it that the context will totally be forgotten. Spike Lee made a biting blackface film a few years ago. It's called Bamboozled. I'd recommend renting it this weekend instead of attending a screening of Tropic Thunder.
And the whole Beyonce thing. She's obviously not the darkest skinned woman to start out with. But in those ads, she looks unnaturally albino. I don't know what happened with the lighting, retouching, etc. but it's a shame because Beyonce was one of the few black women to break through and be appreciated for her color. As for Essence making her look "blacker," I don't think that's true. She looks better in that photo, less sickly and more natural.
Monday, August 18, 2008
Stickin' It to the Man
Click this: http://www.salon.com/mwt/feature/2008/08/15/living_in_mall/index.html
Basically, I had to link up to this story because it's so unbelievable. If you don't wanna read it, here's a summary. A North Eastern couple found out a mall was opening near their apartment. They thought it was going to ruin their neighborhood. They were also academics/performance artists, so they protested the corporate takeover as best as they knew how. They squatted in the mall in some unclaimed space, and stole different things from various high-end stores to furnish their home in style. They were did this unnoticed for a few years. The husband was arrested and charged, but they got off without having to serve time. I love how this story has a happy ending. Sort of, you got us good, and we have to respect that, so we're letting you go. These people really managed to get around the consumer system by embedding themselves in it. Crazy.
I wish I saw this when we were in fashion class. My prof. Mimi woulda thought I was awesome. Perhaps then she would have accepted my Facebook friending.
Basically, I had to link up to this story because it's so unbelievable. If you don't wanna read it, here's a summary. A North Eastern couple found out a mall was opening near their apartment. They thought it was going to ruin their neighborhood. They were also academics/performance artists, so they protested the corporate takeover as best as they knew how. They squatted in the mall in some unclaimed space, and stole different things from various high-end stores to furnish their home in style. They were did this unnoticed for a few years. The husband was arrested and charged, but they got off without having to serve time. I love how this story has a happy ending. Sort of, you got us good, and we have to respect that, so we're letting you go. These people really managed to get around the consumer system by embedding themselves in it. Crazy.
I wish I saw this when we were in fashion class. My prof. Mimi woulda thought I was awesome. Perhaps then she would have accepted my Facebook friending.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Twenty-two should mean freedom
The memoir was no one-time wonder as it turns out. I added a few more pages to it as well!
I also completed my 10 blog postings for Greenzone Online, though I have yet to get paid for them.
And yesterday I finally went out in Rockford, after not going out for and doing anything for at least a month.
But ugh. Seriously, lately all my family seems to be obsessed with is marriage. Like I guess since I'm sucking at the job department, the old people in my family figure I should be married off. Ummmmmm. So how do I explain my feminist point of view to them and the fact that at this point in my life, I could care less about getting married. Please, what kind of self respect would I have to move across the country and move in with someone I have nothing in common with? There really is no way to get them to understand I wouldn't even feel comfortable marrying someone who I hadn't known for an extended period of time.
I like the idea of marriage for that comfort factor, but do I want that in my life now? Hellz no. This girl just wanna have fun. And find employment, preferably at the same time.
Plus, how can they be so callous about it? I don't understand how they don't see marriage as the most important decision you could make in your life. Just settling. That is beyond tragic. My parents settled for each other and they've probably hated each other for as long as I've been alive. Do I they want that for me? And more importantly, why would I ever want that for myself?
Though I'm probably desperate for male attention right now, all I really want is attention. And free meals. And someone to attend romantic-ish movies with me. And someone to make out with. Someone who I must spend all my free time with? No thanks.
Awkwardness of all awkwardness, I basically attended an old-people party on Friday. My mom forced me there under false pretenses, something about this religious occasion blah blah. What I really found was a group of housewives with nothing to do as their children were grown and don't need them for anything anymore. They constantly spoke of the ways of the confusing ways of the 'young people,' who stubbornly refused to only care about getting married. Excuse us for wanting to accomplish things in our lives and not devote ourselves to men and baby-making.
I also completed my 10 blog postings for Greenzone Online, though I have yet to get paid for them.
And yesterday I finally went out in Rockford, after not going out for and doing anything for at least a month.
But ugh. Seriously, lately all my family seems to be obsessed with is marriage. Like I guess since I'm sucking at the job department, the old people in my family figure I should be married off. Ummmmmm. So how do I explain my feminist point of view to them and the fact that at this point in my life, I could care less about getting married. Please, what kind of self respect would I have to move across the country and move in with someone I have nothing in common with? There really is no way to get them to understand I wouldn't even feel comfortable marrying someone who I hadn't known for an extended period of time.
I like the idea of marriage for that comfort factor, but do I want that in my life now? Hellz no. This girl just wanna have fun. And find employment, preferably at the same time.
Plus, how can they be so callous about it? I don't understand how they don't see marriage as the most important decision you could make in your life. Just settling. That is beyond tragic. My parents settled for each other and they've probably hated each other for as long as I've been alive. Do I they want that for me? And more importantly, why would I ever want that for myself?
Though I'm probably desperate for male attention right now, all I really want is attention. And free meals. And someone to attend romantic-ish movies with me. And someone to make out with. Someone who I must spend all my free time with? No thanks.
Awkwardness of all awkwardness, I basically attended an old-people party on Friday. My mom forced me there under false pretenses, something about this religious occasion blah blah. What I really found was a group of housewives with nothing to do as their children were grown and don't need them for anything anymore. They constantly spoke of the ways of the confusing ways of the 'young people,' who stubbornly refused to only care about getting married. Excuse us for wanting to accomplish things in our lives and not devote ourselves to men and baby-making.
Monday, August 11, 2008
Accomplishing things
So guys,
I finally started in on my memoir. Really started in, ya know ... beyond the whole conceptualizing thing. I wrote 10 pages yesterday. It was great locking myself in my room and finally, my family left me alone for a while so I could just write. As I look back on what I wrote, though, I really hope that its relatable enough for other people to want to read it. I would post it here, but I wrote in my laptop, which has no Internet and I'd rather not transfer the file to be read by family members. Plus, I'm sure you guys have better things to do than read 10 pages of me venting. I succeeded in changing the names of my characters, though I'm not sure if I should do that when I get to my family part. Oh, I hope people understand it and one day, this thing gets published. Now that would be gratifying.
I finally started in on my memoir. Really started in, ya know ... beyond the whole conceptualizing thing. I wrote 10 pages yesterday. It was great locking myself in my room and finally, my family left me alone for a while so I could just write. As I look back on what I wrote, though, I really hope that its relatable enough for other people to want to read it. I would post it here, but I wrote in my laptop, which has no Internet and I'd rather not transfer the file to be read by family members. Plus, I'm sure you guys have better things to do than read 10 pages of me venting. I succeeded in changing the names of my characters, though I'm not sure if I should do that when I get to my family part. Oh, I hope people understand it and one day, this thing gets published. Now that would be gratifying.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
A couple comical anecdotes
The other day while driving to the movie theater, I got struck by inspiration. Why continue wasting time and space this summer? Other than, it's worked so far, and it's the easiest thing to do, doing nothing has started to drive me crazy.
I need some projects. The painting didn't really happen, so now I need to get back to my roots and just write. And what better subject to write on than myself. I don't mean that to sound conceited or to to say that I've lived anywhere near a full life already, I just believe I had the ability to be a good story teller. And the strangest stuff seems to happen to me.
In the vein of David Sedaris (whose latest book I just finished), I'd like to pen a humorous memoir. Based upon true life embarrassing, ridiculous, and hypocritical events, I'll of course change up the names and elevate the comedy level.
So far, I have the name, or at least the rough version. It's taken from a question several people in my life have asked me that has no simple answer but rather, just reveals how neurotic I am. It'll be something along the lines of, "But you're so pretty, how come you don't have a boyfriend?" I love how having a boyfriend is validation of a woman's life and how I have to validate myself in the eyes of pretty much every co-worker I ever had. Going off this back-handed diss sort of theme (you know, my failure at fulfilling people's expectations), there will be a latter chapter entitled "But you're so smart [or talented], how come you haven't been offered a job?" Can't count how many times I've gotten that question.
Perhaps I should say the book won't be about me failing to meet expectations, but rather, how preposterous it is that they are projected upon me. Ya know, a metaphor for society, or something like that. I mean, the book will be about me but hopefully be highly relatable in a disturbing sorta way to other twenty-something females.
A rather large section of the book shall be devoted to, "You speak English so good, how come you look so foreign?" Related to that will be, "But you're Indian, how come you didn't go into medicine?" Ahh, the material I have for those. Like a job interview in which the HR women reminded me that just because my skin is not white, we should treat each other differently.
Then, I'd like to explore some internal racial problems, though I'm not quite sure how that will jive with the last section. But I'd really love to include, "But you looked so nice before, why did you have to go and get dark?" I feel like I'm asked this question far too often by Indian aunties who truly believe that it's not insulting to put someone down for having a darker skin pigment. It's just an observation and truth, ya know. Ha.
Perhaps to I will explore the doldrums of middle-classness with something like "But you're dad's an engineer, how come your family has no money?" I'm sure my father's shunning of material possessions/desires will garner some laughs. Plus, not being to afford things can be comical. Like Chaplin's 'Little Tramp' character.
I shall do some women's self image exploration as well, if there's room. In order to fully analyze my insecurities, I may need a multi-book deal. I'm thinking "But you look so skinny, how can you weigh that much?" could be a book of its own. I just read in a magazine that I weigh more than pregnant and much taller than me Nicole Kidman ever did. I think that's bad for both of us (though far worse for her and her kid).
I need some projects. The painting didn't really happen, so now I need to get back to my roots and just write. And what better subject to write on than myself. I don't mean that to sound conceited or to to say that I've lived anywhere near a full life already, I just believe I had the ability to be a good story teller. And the strangest stuff seems to happen to me.
In the vein of David Sedaris (whose latest book I just finished), I'd like to pen a humorous memoir. Based upon true life embarrassing, ridiculous, and hypocritical events, I'll of course change up the names and elevate the comedy level.
So far, I have the name, or at least the rough version. It's taken from a question several people in my life have asked me that has no simple answer but rather, just reveals how neurotic I am. It'll be something along the lines of, "But you're so pretty, how come you don't have a boyfriend?" I love how having a boyfriend is validation of a woman's life and how I have to validate myself in the eyes of pretty much every co-worker I ever had. Going off this back-handed diss sort of theme (you know, my failure at fulfilling people's expectations), there will be a latter chapter entitled "But you're so smart [or talented], how come you haven't been offered a job?" Can't count how many times I've gotten that question.
Perhaps I should say the book won't be about me failing to meet expectations, but rather, how preposterous it is that they are projected upon me. Ya know, a metaphor for society, or something like that. I mean, the book will be about me but hopefully be highly relatable in a disturbing sorta way to other twenty-something females.
A rather large section of the book shall be devoted to, "You speak English so good, how come you look so foreign?" Related to that will be, "But you're Indian, how come you didn't go into medicine?" Ahh, the material I have for those. Like a job interview in which the HR women reminded me that just because my skin is not white, we should treat each other differently.
Then, I'd like to explore some internal racial problems, though I'm not quite sure how that will jive with the last section. But I'd really love to include, "But you looked so nice before, why did you have to go and get dark?" I feel like I'm asked this question far too often by Indian aunties who truly believe that it's not insulting to put someone down for having a darker skin pigment. It's just an observation and truth, ya know. Ha.
Perhaps to I will explore the doldrums of middle-classness with something like "But you're dad's an engineer, how come your family has no money?" I'm sure my father's shunning of material possessions/desires will garner some laughs. Plus, not being to afford things can be comical. Like Chaplin's 'Little Tramp' character.
I shall do some women's self image exploration as well, if there's room. In order to fully analyze my insecurities, I may need a multi-book deal. I'm thinking "But you look so skinny, how can you weigh that much?" could be a book of its own. I just read in a magazine that I weigh more than pregnant and much taller than me Nicole Kidman ever did. I think that's bad for both of us (though far worse for her and her kid).
I'm sure there will be further blogs on this topic later.
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