Bittersweet Symphony

Hello readers,

I skipped a day of posting! Whoops. With finals creeping up on me later this week, I'll either be posting less because I'll be utilizing my time well, or I'll be posting more because I'm freaking out/anxious about various things.

Tonight was the last meeting of my magazine group, the Green Observer, for the year. My ladies and I met up for an end-of-the-year dinner. We went to Za's because it was damn cold (according to weather.com, it felt like the 20s outside!!!) and demanded bread bowls. But they were out so I consoled myself with a bowl of soup and half of a chicken pesto panini. The panini was made on their garlic bread, and it was ridiculously hard to eat. I had to cut it up and fork it. As we walked out into the rain, it really hit me that college is effectively over. I feel like I'm having an out-of-body experience whenever someone asks me what I plan to do with the rest of my life. Anyway, I've given so much to this magazine in the last three years (but mainly, a good deal in the last two) that I'm going to miss being in charge of my own publication. I like not being a part of the corporate machine, being an independent source. Yes, less people read us. But, at the same time, we get a lot of unexpected respect. I hope, hope, hope the girls can up with the magazine. As I've said before, G!O was my child this year. I want her to grow and mature into a publication that is known across campus, not just in environmental circles. I don't know for certain if this will happen, but I just don't want her to die early. And like a mother, I feel bad about letting her go, abandoning her.

So, I went to work at the buzz feeling nostalgic about that. Walked home and had an argument with my mother, as usual. Sometimes I convince myself that money is not important; happiness and passion are the only things that matter. Hell, I've never had enough money for the things I've wanted (though usually for the things I've needed) so I figure I can live with it. But, there are times, like right now, where I wish that I could have a little bit of extra money (or at least that my parents had some savings) so I wouldn't have to spend all my time worrying about not being able to afford things. I try not to let my friends see it but I basically freak out every time I spend more than $10. Even if it's on something useful, I feel so guilty spending money when I know I'm going to be screwed later. I truly think I've been so independent because I know what it is to scrimp, scrounge and struggle at times. I'd rather be like this than be one of the many who have things handed to them. Yet, I still get jealous when people who don't have to work as hard as I do have their expectations of not having to do anything but having everything come to them fulfilled. Basically, my mom is pressuring me to figure out a room renting situation, because I (we - though I pay my own rent) can't afford to lose a lot of money from my apartment this summer. What if I get a job and need to rent an apartment in Chicago? Unless I get paid a lottt up front (doubt that with media positions), I will have squat with others. BAHHHHHHHHH!

Anyway, I'm probably going on and on now because I'd rather not work on my papers. I wrote one huge intro paragraph so far (though half of it was already written because of my abstract), but I'm hoping to spend the entire day tomorrow focusing on the paper.